The Grand Finale 4: Personal Demons

I was uneasy about relaxing my vigilance over my mind enough to sleep. I felt very vulnerable, as though I had just undergone surgery to remove infection and now had an open wound. Nervously, I called a friend in the states to ask for prayer coverage that night. She didn’t answer; I left a message.

I slept very poorly. My tossing and turning was disturbed by prickly itching sensations and abdominal pains. These physical symptoms were not unusual but this time I was hyper aware of any sensation or sound that might be caused by a disgruntled spirit. I drifted in and out of consciousness with dreams flitting in front of my eyes than fading into the dark room when I jerked back awake. At 4:30am my friend called me back. It was a relief to hear her voice, so normal and reassuring. I told her about my strange experiences of the past day and about all my fears of that night. She told me how her family had been praying for me and encouraged me to be brave. We talked for two hours, until the sun came up over Pakistan; then I bid her goodnight and got up to start the day.

Soon Jane was up too, getting ready to go back to the centre to start the first morning prayer shift with chai for all who were still there. At least this was our intention; when we arrived, picking our way over sleeping children to get to the kitchen, we found another woman already there preparing the chai. Because of this woman’s help, Jane and I were able to go back to Jane’s house to keep addressing my spiritual concerns before I had to catch a bus back to Mirpurkhas. I ended up missing the early bus and instead staying with Jane until 4:00pm to receive even more of her spiritual direction.

We spent the morning arduously identifying more anti-God strongholds, confessing, renouncing, and reclaiming the areas for God. The part of the process that was most challenging and frightening was when I had to “send away” the spirits in question. I had always imagined that dark spirits would be so antithesis to the Holy Spirit that they wouldn’t be able to get anywhere close to me. In fact, I was comfortable with the idea of stating the words “go in the name of Christ”, but it never occurred to me that an active Chr’stian like me could ever have a “demon problem”.

“But almost every one does,” Jane informed me, “Demons are out to get every body. It’s just that Chr’stians have a fighting chance. There is nothing neutral, you know. The devil is out there to steal, kill, and destroy anything that isn’t claimed for the glory of God. It is hard to imagine how people can even function, outside of Christ!”

This seemed to make sense, but it didn’t reduce my horror that, whenever Jane talked about sending demons back to the lake of fire, my eyes twitched and I had an uncharacteristic feeling of irritation toward her. I felt the unpleasant inclination to curl my lip into a snarl and refuse to cooperate with the nonsense of confronting any demons. Throughout the process I several times experienced symptoms such as twitches, aggression, and the inability to think clearly which seemed terrifyingly demonic.

From psychology classes, I knew the power of suggestion. I knew it to be very possible that these symptoms could have been inspired by my own imagination. The real question was, is it possible that Jane’s claim was right; was it possible that my experiences were caused by actual spirits influencing my body, feelings, and thoughts. As a Chr’stian, I supposedly acknowledged the existence of active evil spirits, and yet I was very reluctant to accept the terrifying possibility that I might be encountering them.

“To believe that these impulses are coming from outside you would open the door to insanity!” The voice inside my head pleaded.

“And yet,” I thought to myself, “I brought these spiritual concerns to Jane because they were already bothering me; no psychologist has ever been helpful in resolving these concerns. Besides, if I ‘cast out’ a demon and believe that it is gone, then my imagination should be on my side.”

At one point of great inner struggle, Jane prayed that I would see the spirit for what it was, that it would stop being able to deceive my thoughts. For a split second, I saw in my imagination an ugly gray figure huddled against a wall in my mind, trying to hide. “Grab him and throw him out!” Jane commanded. With a gulp of trepidation, I imagined a crane bodily removing the figure while commanding with as much strength as I could muster, “I belong to J’sus Christ. You have no place in my life and I renounce all connection with you. Leave my mind forever.”

“Good,” said Jane calmly. “Now just breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Ask the Holy Spirit to come and fill in the space left by the other spirit.” After a moment she added, “Listen to the Holy Spirit. Is he telling you anything?”

“He is reminding me of all of the intimate times we have spent together. He is saying that I don’t have to doubt.”

“Good.”