He who is faithful in small things...

As written in my journal June 19 2010:

I am trying to hear and follow God’s prompting but it is very difficult. I have identified two feelings which usually accompany and indicate that a leading is from God.

The first is a feeling of my heart lighting up with joy. When I feel honest delight at a prospect, feeling that this is the desire of my heart, my passion, something that makes me come alive, I understand that this is what God would desire me to do. He has placed talents and interests in me and leads me in ways that I can use these inclinations to serve him and the kingdom. When the inclination to follow the desire of my heart comes from him, then I feel no hesitation or suspicion of my motives; I simply feel blessed to walk in the way set before me.

There is a second feeling which just as reliably indicates that a possible action is willed of God. Alternatively to a thrill of delight, my heart seems to groan with inner resistance. If the option ahead of me seems abhorrent to my preferences, the exact and only thing I do NOT want to do, this option often seems to be the one that the voice in my head insists is from God.

For example, this morning Martha asked me to come and play dolls with her and the other children. I told her, no; I was about to have my quiet time. Yet, as I retreated to a back room to hide from their pleading, I felt an annoying reproof in my mind.

“Whatever you do unto the least of these, you have done unto me.”

Sitting on my bed with my Bible unopened next to me, I felt that familiar groan in my spirit. “Surely you aren’t saying I should give up spending time with you to sit and watch children play dolls in a foreign language when I spend 80% of my time with them anyway?” I responded, sure that I had the rational high ground and that the voice in my head was not from God but from my own moral neuroticism.

“If you are spending time ministering to the least of these, then you are spending time with me.” was the calm and obvious response.

“But don’t you also want me to take time to meet you one-on-one and worship you?” I wheedled.

“There is an English worship service tonight. You will sing praises then.”

I thought about it. The main reason I was holding out against playing with the girls was not because I had a burning desire to read the Bible. It was because I didn’t feel like extending myself emotionally so early in the day. This selfish motive did not take moral precedence over the demands of Godly character to be service oriented.

I thought to myself, I must comply because I absolutely need to learn to rightly discern and FOLLOW God’s voice. Knowing the scripture and knowing God’s character are helpful for discerning what God is likely to desire. But once I have an idea of God’s will, even in small things, willingness to follow through, is critical. If I don’t have an idea of what would be in God’s character, then it isn’t so culpable to make a decision based on my own judgment. But if I feel that it would be better to extend myself to the children and then don’t do it, it has a feeling of blatant disobedience. I so much want to be able to not only discern God’s prompting but to also be obedient.

I know there is a difference between taking initiative to live life in a way acceptable to God, and so within his will, and hearing an individual direction from God for a specific action. I want to be faithful in both, but I especially long to be able to receive and respond to the second kind of command.

I want to be someone God can rely on to obey. I want to be faithful and consistent in paying attention to God’s cues and to performing the indicated action. I want to be like a well trained dog that the master can rely on to follow commands with good grace. I want to be like an attentive and graceful dancer who understands the slightest leading movement in her partner and thus is able to dance with him, following his moves as though with one mind. I want to be obedient.

I want to be this kind of Christian for three main reasons.

Firstly, I know that this kind of obedience leads to a life of blessing. God’s way of life is generally the most blessed way. His wisdom leads in right ways that are worthy, righteous, virtuous, loving, and blessed.

Secondly, being trustworthy to obey opens up a world of possibilities for partnering with God. A well trained dog can be let off the leash, taken in public, and asked to perform important tasks like sniffing out bombs or competing in competitions. In the same way, a well trained Christian can be led into situations which are dangerous and/or important because God can trust them to obey without arguing or excuses even if they don’t understand the reasons behind his directions or don’t relish the prospect of what he is asking them to do.

Thirdly, to rely so completely upon the wisdom and benevolence of God’s guidance must forge a deep, personal connection to God. To trust him so wholly that you are willing to change your behavior, become vulnerable to disappointment, and experience personal sacrifice requires you to exercise your faith. It requires you to live in the reality of God’s existence, power, trust-worthiness, and personal involvement in your life. I bet this kind of obedience would take “the joy of salvation” to a whole new level.

I feel that this trip to Pakistan is an exercise in obedience. I was terrified by the prospect of traveling alone, going so far away (both geographically and culturally), and not having plans set up for what to do when I get home etc. And yet I felt that to NOT go for these reasons would be a step into a future ruled by fear, outside the providence and blessing of following God’s will. If I could not obey such a blunt and temporary direction as to spend two months abroad on a short term mission, how could I expect to put God’s will above my own in more subtle decisions? How an I hope to find his best will for my life if I rule-out actions that are outside of my comfort zone (like international travel) or that require trusting God to provide? For these reasons, among others, I have come here. I hope that this choice, this slice of eternity, is representative of my lifestyle. I hope that this action will set a precedent for how I will continue to live my life.

By the way, just so you know, I did pack up my quiet-time things in accordance to the nagging feeling of God’s leading. I moved back into the main part of the house, resolved to serve Christ in the little children by playing dolls.